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Another neat thing about Smart Cars: You can actually race them on your 1970's Hot Wheels track.
SIGNS THAT YOUR FRIEND KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT NASCAR
1) You ask him who his favorite driver is…..and he responds, “The one that they based “Speed Racer” on.”
2) He thinks the Green Flag means, “Drive slower….save gas….it’ll help the environment.”
3) Before going to a race with you, he actually asks, “Will I be able to get a beer there?”
4) After seeing a crowd of over 180,000 at the race he tells you, “I wonder how much they would charge me to plaster the name of my insurance agency on a car? Probably not much.”
5) He thinks when walking by some hot chicks on top of a RV, that some guy asked them to show him their “tents.”
6) When seeing him, he says to you, “Hey, that’s not the same Jimmy Johnson that’s with Howie and Terry before the NFL games.”
7) When he first gets to the racetrack he says to you, “Say, where are the Betting Windows?”
8) You ask him to name his favorite NASCAR race and he replies, “The S & P 500.”
9) While at the race he says, “You know at the rodeo they have clowns. Why don’t they have some clowns out on the track dodging cars?” (Actually…I don’t like clowns, so this isn’t that bad of an idea.)
10) A driver’s tire blows out and he says, “Sure hope that fella is with AAA.”
SIGNS THAT YOU’RE DOING YOUR BEST TO TURN YOUR KID INTO A NASCAR FAN
1) His first words: “Vroom…..vroom….vroom!”
2) His Big Wheel has sponsorship stickers.
3) His birth weight was listed as 5w 20.
4) Even though he’s not named after anyone….you still call him “Junior.”
5) You teach him math….by using race car numbers. “Okay, if you add Denny Hamlin’s number and Robby Gordon’s number…whose number do you get?
6) You tell him that he shouldn’t say dirty words…..but if some other kid’s tricycle hits the back of his…..its perfectly fine to cuss that kid out.
7) You got the kid to breastfeed by yelling to your wife, “Show us your +*+s.”
8) You help him use his Lego blocks to make a replica of Daytona International Speedway.
REASONS WHY I'M GLAD THAT NASCAR™ DOESN'T HAVE A SENIORS TOUR
1) Ever so often a driver would tell his crew chief, "I'm making good time."
2) Commentator saying stuff like, "Hank Jones, in the 66 Depends car is about to pass Earl Haynes in the 47 Geritol car."
3) Drivers shaking their fist at other drivers and yelling, "You're drivin' too fast....you maniac."
4) Yellow flags would have a double meaning....as they would allow the drivers a chance to take one of many in-race wizzes.
5) Your favorite driver loses a race........because he just had to stop at The Cracker Barrell....located near turn 3.
6) Having to watch a race where most of the drivers leave their blinkers on.
7) The probability that most drivers' wives would be in the passenger seat....telling them how to drive.
8) Shaking your head as you watch a driver stop to ask directions.
9) Most wrecks would occur in the Pit area.....because of drivers mistaking the gas pedal for the brake.
10) Finally....some race cars made by the folks who make Buicks and Chryslers.
11) To satisfy driver wishes.......speed bumps installed on the back stretch.
12) Because of driver fatigue issues.....having to watch races like: The Daytona 50 and The Coca-Cola 40.
Texas Motor Speedway™ is known as TMS. If there's any racetrack known as PMS.....that would be the best bet for a Danica Patrick breakthrough victory.
A TIP FROM YOUR FRIENDS AT REDNECK MARDI GRAS:
You know the noise reducing ear protectors that you can get at tracks? Those are also great to wear, whenever the mother-in-law is over.
You Know You're Really Into NASCAR™ IF.......................
1) You eat all your meals on restrictor plates.
2) Your two sons are named Daytona and Talladega.
3) In your uncle's funeral procession......there were 64 lead changes.
4) When you hear the word "doughnuts".....you don't think of a pastry treat..........you think of what the winner does after winning a race.
5) You love chicks who wear green or checkered outfits......but are wary of ones who are in yellow.
6) You've ever ended a prayer with the words, "Boogity, boogity, boogity." (PS) here he is!!!
7) Whenever you get a speeding ticket, you say to the officer, "Oh crap.....I was going that slow?"
John McDowell is a former standup comic, who now works as a professional comedy writer. John spent 20 years in standup comedy, performing in clubs all across the country. During his career, John shared the stage with many well known performers such as: Bill Engvall, Jeff Foxworthy, Jerry Seinfeld, Drew Carey, Ellen Degeneres, David Spade, Kevin Nealon...and many others.
As a comedy writer, John has written for such people as Rodney Daingerfield, Gabe Kaplan, Ron White.....while also writing for the TV show Vibe. John has also wrote for the 1990's Burt Reynolds sitcom, Evening Shade.
The 1979 graduate of The University of North Texas.....John now makes his home in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area.....and lives not too far from The Texas Motor Speedway.
All opinions expressed on this website are those of the individual author.